This is the 1st YWS Story Creator. With this post you will have the honor of making your on story. To play, you thoroughly read the story, then you vote to try and make the decision that Sandra should make. Which ever decision has the most votes will be featured in the next Sweet Dreams Entry.
Sweet Dreams
"Sandra", her mother had screamed, "Time to go to school". Sandra hopped out of the bed and quickly roughed on some clothes that she had pressed the day before. She grabbed her purse and lunch money and ran down the steps. Her twin brother, Florence, followed her out. They both ran to the bus stop, and for the first time in months: they made it.
When Sandra & Florence got to school they where ready to make there votes. They were voting for class president. This was the election day: first there would be a debate, then they would vote. After the president would be chosen. The candidates where Missy Demorcrow and Howard Young. Demorcrow supported more, harder homework that would help boost the minds of the students; while Young supported more play and fun in school and less homework.
"Who are you voting for Sandra", said Florence.
"I'm going to vote for Demorcrow, she has a really valid point".
"WHAT! Are you crazy, she'll give us more homework".
"...and Young is trying to take it all away, well never learn anything that way. how do you expect to be a doctor if you don't know the basics".
"Maybe your right, Sandra".
Who should they support: Democrow or Young
Time to Vote
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! I'm basically going to repeat what has been said above: this is a really cool idea, and it could become like a regular. It's up to you where you put it, but depending on what happens next will it fit in Action/Adventure? Maybe it might work somewhere else...
I'm going to nitpick you, because you had quite a few mistakes that I think aren't problems, they just need you to read through a little more carefully.
You've done this a few times, I noticed. The punctuation should come before the closing speech mark, and I think the sentence would be better like this: ""Sandra!" her mother had screamed. "Time to go to school!"" - since she's screaming, exclamation marks give some of that effect, and they are two separate sentences, so you have a full-stop after "screamed".
I think it would read better like this: "They both ran to the bus stop, and - for the first time in months - they made it." Or something like that, because I don't think the colon works.
1. & = no! 2. This section is repetitive and quite boring, so I would suggest this:
"It was election day: first there would be a debate, and then later they would vote for their class president. By the time Sandra and Florence got to school, they were pretty much decided on who they would vote for."
The semi-colon works as a link between two distinct sentences where a comma is not enough of a break, but a full-stop is too much. In this instance, just a comma is fine, but if you like the semi-colon just take out the "while".
First off, read this through again. It doesn't make much sense! You need an apostrophe in "we'll" and I think a dash instead of a comma: "...it all away - we'll never..." because then it reads more like speech.
Anyway, just have a little read-through and edit it a bit. Otherwise, it's really great and I love your idea! It's really creative. PM me when you put the next part up!
~*cottonrulz*~
Several things first of all:
-- This is a good idea, but perhaps it should be posted in Storybooks, and not the Literary Forums.
-- Try not to use all caps and only use one exclamation mark/other punctuation at a time. CHARACTERS WHO SHOUT LIKE THIS MAKE YOU LOOK SILLY!!!!!!oneone!11!!!????!!oneone!
-- Check your grammar before you post. Some of your contractions are incorrect.
-- Finally, why would a school vote for class president before the debate was held? That doesn't make very much sense, now does it?
Hope this helps,
Antigone Cadmus